why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
