Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
