Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
