I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
