I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
