My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
