So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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