I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
