did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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