so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
