All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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