Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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