Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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