Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
