i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
