My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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