Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
