weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
