just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
