i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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