Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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