She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
