Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
