I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
