So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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