if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
