Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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