Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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