OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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