i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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