6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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