it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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