Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
