I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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