Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I fill condoms, not promises.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
