i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
