I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
