I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
