if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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