I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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