I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
