I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
