your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
