The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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