i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
babies were throwing up all over the place
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No stitches, just platelets and will power
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
