Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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