i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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