i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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