I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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