Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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