I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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