My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
