Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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