I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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