What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
