wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
