He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
