One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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