Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
