I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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