sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
