I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize