Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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