Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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