I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Randomize
